It Was An Awful Morning

Catching a glimpse of the man walking down the street caused the warm coffee to slide slowly down Chris' throat. "My God," he thought, when was the last time they..?" Three years ago. It was February wasn’t it? Yes. And it was raining." Memories flooded his thoughts. His heart began to beat faster. He hesitated, started to change tables by picking up the saucer and cup, then halted and left them as they were. He wanted to see him again. But would he see him or just walk by oblivious to Chris sitting there in the coffee house window? Should he attract his attention with a hand wave? He watched as the man, dressed in a dark blue business suit, a light blue shirt and an azure blue tie maneuvered his way through the sidewalk crowd. Chris sat riveted, watching his every step and gesture. He looked at that face and those amazing blue eyes. "No," he said under his breath. He wouldn’t try to gain his attention. He turned away from the window and faced the morning crowd that mingled within the shop and he sat that way for the longest time. Long enough for him to pass by.

"Hey you," said a voice. Chris looked up and it was him. He broke into a smile. "Hello," said Chris and he stood up and extended his hand. The man brushed it away and pulled Chris against his body. He could feel his hands against his back, pushing and stroking back and forth and the tautness of his firm athletic chest against his own. "Gee it’s good to see you," the man said pulling back and holding his head a few inches from Chris. They looked into each other’s eyes and as though it were yesterday they kissed a long delicious coffee tasting kiss. When it ended he still didn’t let Chris go. "How are you?" he asked quietly and slowly the man took a step back. "May I?" he said pointing to the empty chair at the table. He sat down and Chris followed. "Fine. Just fine," came Chris’ delayed answer as his mind whirled. "On a coffee break? Loafing? What?" the man asked. Chris sank into the man’s smile and beautiful blue eyes. He could not forget the blueness of those eyes and here they were again, in front of him and just inches away. The man’s left hand glided forward and rested above his knee and squeeze it a bit. "You’re not married, are you?" and Chris shook his head. "Then come with me, now, to the Yorkshire. I’m there for the week. We’ll spend the time together," he pleaded. Chris wanted to. So badly that he almost said yes. "I ... I can’t. Really. I can’t." The look on the man’s face was sadness. "Alright. Just for a few hours. Please," he softly pleaded and then he whispered, "I want to hold you again."

How long had Chris waited to hear those words? And then it came back to him. How many hours had he sat in their old apartment watching the time pass waiting for him to come home? Hours then days. Chris had been alone too much but when he was there, when he did come home, he loved Chris like no other man had loved him. A year later he felt more heartache and loneliness then he did love and happiness. And then he found the letter. One single sheet of paper folded into a square and stuffed in a coat pocket. He wouldn’t have noticed it at all if he hadn’t been curious but there it was and its contents destroyed him. So he said good-bye and he cried. He begged and he pleaded with Chris that if he would just stay with him it would never happen again but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t because he knew it had happened before, several times before and the letter was too much evidence to convince him otherwise. He packed and he left. That was three years ago.

And now here they were, sitting in a little coffee house and he had the chance to hold him once again. He looked down at the hand on his knee and there he saw the gold band wrapped around his ring finger. His hand dropped to the man’s and his fingers felt the ring. "Who is he?" he asked. "I don’t love him. I really don’t. It is a marriage of convenience. We’ve never even slept together. I swear we haven’t," he tried to justify. "But you married him?" The man looked away. "Yes. I did marry him. I did so because my heart was broken when you left and he has so much money I tried to drown myself in his wealth. It didn’t work. I still love you. I will always love you," he said and when he turned to look back at Chris he saw the tear slide down Chris’ cheek. He reached forward and pulled Chris to him and he knew then that it would never be the way it was. They held each other for a long moment and then he kissed Chris softly. "Okay. I’ll go," he said sliding his chair back and standing up. "If you change your mind I’ll be at the Yorkshire all week." Chris looked away. He started to walk away then he stopped. "Chris, I’ve never loved anyone else but you. Honest," and the two men looked at each other for a long moment and then he turned and walked out of the coffee house. Chris returned to his cup and saucer and sat there silently. "It was over," he told himself. "It has to be over," and with those words Chris brought the coffee cup to his lips and finished drinking the now lukewarm liquid. He dabbed his mouth with a paper napkin then stood up and walked out. It was an awful morning.